The times we look out a window and wonder what it is that all those people have in their lives that gives them the audacity to smile. Who said its fair that I have to avoid most people simply because I don’t have what it takes to return a smile or answer a question like ” how are you “.
I don’t even know how I will open my mouth at lunch to take a bite of a sandwich, that is if I eat today.
It all seems kind of rude honestly. It seems like a sick pathetic joke that I have to fight myself just to get dressed and out the door to work while everyone else seems to be chirping away like birds in the spring. All the while I’ll bet I’m the only one who has to waste time on a shrink that does me no good.
What a moron I am. Seriously . I’m at a crossroads these days about the whole ” god ” thing as well. I feel on the brink of just pronouncing a “no god” allowed in my life statement out of my anger, or maybe do like many are doing and turn atheist.
The other day I was so angry at God that I played every song on Ac/Dc’s Hells Bells album 5x and played “Sympathy For The Devil” by Jagger and them like half dozen times. Maybe if God was real He could feel a little pain for once.
But that’s when my friend told me that he had the same feelings as I did months ago, and started meetimg with this cool new spiritual enlightenment group of people my age. They decide what “god” they will actually become! How awesome is that?
He told me that lots of people were trying to get in the group but he could get me in. He told me not to pay attention to the naysayers..they were just jealous.
When I told my shrink about my new found friends he starting asking me if I was hearing any voices or anything . Wow, this guy thought I made it all up! What a loser! I’m pouring my heart out and smiling for the first time in a year and he has to be the dream killer.
Just a month later the group moved away but didn’t tell me. I’m so depressed . I’m not sure I have any reason to go on. I’ve no girlfriend, no family., no real friends, and all I want to do is go get high .
I went down by the prairie path which is a little trail inbetween hundreds of acres of orange groves. That’s where you get whatever drug you need down here. The dealers basically set up shop in the middle and no cops can see them, hear.them or find them . Just too many ways out. I scored some zanny bars, a bag or two of H, and a few oxy 80s…
Then, I Bounced back home to a nice empty house to chillax..
I figured once I was good and ragged out all the pieces would come together for me. So I stayed high for 3-4 days or so. Noboby knew, my parents were on an anniversary trip and hell I’m 19 anyway. I can roll with whoever I please.
About a week later I felt the shake of a strong hand, and when I looked up from the floor I was passed out on, I saw my dad looking down at me with tears rolling down his face. He saw my needles other junk and smelled me since I hadn’t showered. I was ready for it all. The old ” get outta my house ” screams , and the belittling that I saw on television all the time between parents and their children.
But it never came. Just some amazing grace As a matter of fact, my father looked into my eyes and never took his eyes off mine. He began to weep and put his arms around me. He asked me if there is anything he could do for me or get right now. I knew my father was a strong Christian and we never had any major fall outs before, but I didn’t expect this when he caught me using drugs in his house. I did not expect absolute 100% unconditional love and mercy. But I learned later on that its that very save unconditional live that should be drawing people to their heavenly Father.its the key that unlocks our desire to obey.
We embraced for several minutes without saying a word and soon my father said to go pack a bag. “I want to take you somewhere.”
A little while later and we were off driving away in his jeep, I had no idea where we were going to go, but as we begin to drive, he began to explain to me. Where you are, headed. he said ” i’ve never had the problems that you have right now ” and dont know what it feels like.
But whatever you need and wherever we have to go, I’ll be by your side, I’ll never leave you from the beginning of this journey until it’s over. Hours later we ended up at a log cabin way up in the mountains that his buddy owned and let him use for the weekend.
We spent some time there just him and talking about life about how we felt about God, about problems and how today’s world is a very difficult. But again even though he let me vent about how I felt and how my problems felt so big- he didn’t pretend to understand them but he was desperately trying to find somebody who did.
He made a promise to me that day that he wasn’t going to leave my side during the entire ordeal as long as it took for me to feel better. He was going to find somebody with inside information on the process of mental health and addiction. A person that could minister to me better than anybody else.
we spent quite a bit of time in that cabin and he did find me somebody that I could relate to and we did work through many of the issues- it did make me feel a whole lot better. Not cured , but much better . Not finished yet but I possessed something I had not in a long time..
All the learning I did those weeks with the help of a person who had been through it, I can truly say that it was just a few paragraphs spoken by dad to me at the end of our trip that have stuck with me and saved me from falling into deep depression again..
Dad said this;
Money comes and goes, jobs come and go. Health comes and goes , cars too. Even relationships , spouses come and go while on this earth. Look for peace and hope in those and you will live a rollar coaster life.
But the Lord is the same yesterday , today and forever!
If you put all your security, trust and hope in Him, you will never do without peace.
And now in closing I.present you all with the entire point of this post.
What, oh what can we offer to those in distress as told above if we ourselves don’t have the peace of the Lord to share? Nothing eternal, nothing any bigger then the latest mind over matter seminar , correct?
The answer to the title of this post is HOPE.. For without HOPE where does the strength to go on come from ?